Balance II

Since I've become a mother I am afraid of chaos.

Yes, I am literally afraid of what chaos does to my days, how unsettling it is for my heart, how stressful for my nights and how much anxiety it brings to nap times. Unpredictable - is now a scary word.

Since I've become a mother I am a balance junkie. I want balance. All my day, and all my nights I am a balance seeker, and the exercise does not stop, I can't stop thinking of ways to balance up my "now" with my "later". 

I used to be free, I feel, flowing in my messy days, not afraid of a hungover, a small accident, a surprise, an unexpected trip... Could spend a whole month improvising... Happily.

And that is not me anymore. I have changed. 

I am grieving the loss of the woman who could take wine any hour of her day and would, literally, often (!), forget where she was, just because she had so much fun getting there.

Now I seek for balance, not only my own, but the needed balance a little being I call #tumtum (my son) depends on me to achieve.

I am grieving the loss of that woman who used to say "I will sleep when I am really old" just before she went out for a party... With no plan to come back before sunrise.

I have changed. Now I dream of naps... And most times join my baby in his sleep, doesn't matter if it's night or day.

I used to live in a kind of "chaos" that held the taste of a blissful rest.

I am grieving that, I admit.

I am living now a "calm" life... The kind of calmness a prisoner wants to run from.

Some days I am that prisoner. And sharing this sets me free.

Grateful for you, holding space for me. My balance is here.

#ommmmmmamma

#ommmmmmammaJournaling

#writingIsMyGroundingSadhana

#ommmmmmammaMotheringSeries

#theGratefulGoddess

#yogaWithDanielle